Alright, you smoker’s, doper’s and the addicts, you are in the limelight, yet again! Damn it! Can’t you see that the government cares about you? No, it doesn’t matter what kind of services you get in your neighbourhood ‘sarkaari’ hospital, neither does it matter that infants are dying at a rate as Rohit Sharma scores his tons, in a North Bengal hospital. They care about you lighting up a couple of cigarettes once a while. Incredible!

So, this goes out to all you dirty bud throwing creatures, lurking behind Pink Floyd posters, it’s time for you to pull down those shutters and stop writing all your shitty midnight poems for the woman who doesn’t love you anymore. There’s a crackdown on the streets and they won’t let us live on our own will.

First things first! The Indian Ministry of Health have decided to ban the sale of loose cigarettes, to cut down on smoking.They seem as jobless to me as Uday Chopra is right now. One of their mind blowing initiatives in recent times was banning sex education and starting Yoga, all in the name of the Baba Ramdev. In Kerala; somebody was trying to ban liquor, and then condoms too almost going the same way to promote ‘safe sex’ after marriage. I am eternally grateful to our hyperactive Facebook forums and the likes of Arnab Goswami, for saving the ill fated pharmaceutical companies and their families.

Here are my six pence to you my dear readers, for showing interest in my rambling and keeping your patience till now. What can the Indian Health Ministry think of doing, further to propagate the idea of healthy living and safer reproduction in the most logical manner possible?

  1. Ban the women who wear denims, booze, use mobiles and have Facebook accounts

Even Sheldon Cooper would get the sarcasm here. And if you have been reading a newspaper other than TOI you would understand that we don’t have individuals as minister. We have stone sculptures of a few assholes, running the show. C’mon, I personally have a lot of shit to deal with in office and home. With a boss, who talks like Rahul Gandhi, a girlfriend who can give Ekta Kapoor a run for her money and an effing lot of melodramatic bong serials that my parents watch with the dedication of attaining nirvana, every evening when I return home devastated from office.

It is then that the truth reveals upon that rapes happen because – (in ‘ass’cending order of awesomeness (or creativity, duh! whatever)!

  • “Kissing in Public apparently is a root cause of rape” – Satyapal Singh, the former Mumbai police commissioner.
  • Watching blue films on their mobiles/TV.” – Karnataka Assembly Panel
  • “Guys eat Chicken, fish and other non-vegetarian foods.” Bihar Minister, Vinay Bihari
  • “School uniforms are too scantily clad, Girls should wear overcoats.” – Puducherry’s education minister.
  • “Bikini clad mannequins lure men to rape.” – Mumbai Politicians.
  • – Well..!
  • Chowmein/Chinese Junk Food – Videshi Haat! – A Khap Panchayat Leader.

So now you know why they are training the Paki army across the border in Kashmir and are poaching our lands in north east.

  1. Deport Sunny Leone back to whatever else she was doing full time.

Well, well, you naughty little minds, I can smell a stale disappoint in those faces. And what do you think Sunny Leone’s doing, other than making it into discreet mobile phones in the parliament or dragging those ‘doodh peeta hua’ kiddos into shabby cyber cafes. A serious health hazard and an even greater threat to the’ Bhartiya Sanskar’ that so denounces all things sex, right from the age of the Kamasutras! She has actually managed to create a surge of testosterone in our otherwise intellectual country men. She is the real reason why today’s kids have fallen prey to the jingles rap of Honey Singh and the ministers do not fall asleep in the assembly any more.

  1. The Babas of Spiritual India.

Spirituality is a blessed ecosystem in India. Well, and why not, even before we are open our eyes to this big, bad world, our ears and mouths are filled with holy chants and the sweetened water from the feet of the Goddess. We are born as free citizens of this global humdrum and turned into a societal ‘cowboy’ by years of accumulating dust.

Strike 11 PM and all the so called ‘Entertainment Channels’ runs the show where you shell out 3000 bucks to buy that priceless hanuman chalisa pendant, and you would lie like a roman emperor – half naked on a plush bed, devouring sour black grapes and old monk and feasting your eyes on the latest pirated CD that you took out from the neighbourhood plaza. A life of your dreams!

And the list just goes on to such levels that even Lord Voldemort is pushed to mediocrity. Such are our levels. Guys, there are things you can do to bring the ailing people of this ravaged and sex stricken country to terms. Banning loose cigarettes should be the least of your concerns, and there I was planning an open letter to the Health ministry to legalize cannabis.

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